Alarm

I woke up this morning several times..and at each time I was in a different mood, probably due to the fact that I'd woken from several different dreams, the first was strange, the second I didn't understand (it was much too abstract), and the third was amazing. Which is why I was depressed, the dream was one I'd hoped for in real life but I knew would never happen.

Mom drove me to Ali's to fix her hair and make-up for formal.

When I got to her house she and her friend were watching a movie, the name of which I can't remember. During one scene this old man said, "just because you are frightened of all the bad that can happen, it's not worth shutting out the world and risking the good things that can happen".

I need to focus on the good in my life.. I think that's the hardest thing for me to do. I'm one of those natural cynics who can't help but pick at the horrible aspects of life. Who ever said life's a bitch was probably someone like me. I don't understand.. why do adults and all the older people in our lives as children seem to have it all? and yet once we get to our desired age we become less and less happy? I remember seeing my mother when I was little, wishing I were a lady like she was, someone who sat up straight and smiled and laughed at intelligent conversation and was married and played tennis on the weekends with her husband. But now I find out that it was all a cover. My mother was depressed and unhappily married for a very long time, I don't know how she could stand it. All the covers, all the disguises we mask ourselves with, are only as deceptive as we consciously wish them to be. I'm willing to bet that if we all unmasked ourselves, we would find that we all have a lot more in common than we think, that we're joined in our suffering and in our pain and in our loneliness. But anyway.. sometimes I wish I were as ignorant as I used to be when I was younger, I'm sure I still do have some level of ignorance that I've yet to grow out of. Maybe those are our masks.. but then I suppose they could be our shields as well. When we're young we can't endure the struggles that adults face and so we are shielded with naivete and ignorance. And then they are in turn doubly shielded by adults wishing their struggles to be kept secret by covering it. My God there is such a blanket covering everybody in the world, dulling the point of a sword that maybe if we took off our masks we'd realize it was not a sword but rather an alarm.

What is your alarm?