Long time..

I'm listening to "comptine d'un autre ete" - yann tiersen. thank you michelle shin for introducing me to this song; it's calming.

It's been an outrageously long time since i've written. i've had no time, i've not cared, i've not reflected. i don't think busy is a healthy status for me to always be in. it's just not me..i enjoy my time at a slower pace rather than this constant and modern rushing that seems to control the rest of the world. i'm a separate entity from the world altogether, or so i'd like to believe. there is the world and my community and my people and those people, and then there's me, me and my world with my time.

Kevin Real called me innocent today.. because i don't like the dances, because i don't get asked to dances, because i am too tall, because i am in no hurry to communicate with anyone with my back turned, with my back communicating. I think i cared a little too much that he said that though, i had to think it over and debate whether or not it really mattered and what it means to me to be innocent and i concluded that i'd rather be called innocent than naive.

if i had a choice i think i'd spend a lot of time driving to very quiet places and just thinking. i think i'd just cry in a reflective, exhilerating, letting life overwhelm me kind of way, and just falling asleep on the grass, letting myself be part of the world.

i'd even just love a little more time to just stay on here, and write.

Through all the tumult.

Jessika Hwang died. I didn't know her, I'd seen pictures, I'd seen her around, I'd met her minutes before hand. Her existence just ended.. right after I met her. And she'll forever be in my memory as the girl I was lucky enough to know for less than an hour.
Samih's grandfather died. I'd never met him, but hearing of his death right after Jessika's added to the weight of everything that weekend.
Evelyn died, she was a lovable, big, black lady who looked after me and my best friend when we were in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. She was the definition of Baptist Church goer. She had a heart attack, she was 58.
Gracie Udouj. is in critical condition with swine flu. I babysat her when she was five. She's nine now.. she's on a ventilator. All I want to do is wrap her in my arms and hold her until her disease melts away.
Clare, my cousin, who i've looked up to my entire life, who was the smartest girl in her class, went to rehab this weekend. My uncle is heart broken. His little girl addicted to pills, pot, and meth.

"Through all the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing, it sounds and echoes in my soul, how can I keep from singing? No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging, Since love is lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep singing?"

I

I love freedom, until it becomes chaos.
I love lines, until they become limits.

Live in Moderation. But do not live to an extent.

Cue suspenseful music...

It's not ignorance that's my downfall, it's apathy.

Originally, I thought the base of it was ignorance or laziness or even defiance, but if I don't care enough then I won't do it, and I will be awfully blatant about it. Is it possible to force myself to care? Would that be more successful or more self benefitting than if I just hoped for some sort of drive to kick in? Probably.
Here I am again in two parts, one shouting get the hell off your ass, and the other rolling eyes saying why should I.
Even if I know the risks to several things considered inappropriate to society, I do them anyway because I could care less. That's dangerous. I know. It's boredom I suppose. I know what I'm doing, I know the possible consequences, but a very large chunk of the time I feel like it doesn't really matter and anyone with a good level of self control will turn out ok. The only problem with this is that to have self control you have to have a certain amount of drive in taking care of yourself; which means caring, which means when it all comes around full circle my downfall is imminent.
Downfall has dramatically negative connotations..like my doom or the death of me, however, taking under consideration my current family issues, the word isn't too far off the mark.

Damnit, I need to save myself. I need to realize that I could be very close to crossing the line, which hopefully will not need to become tangible before I see things clearly.

a;lsfjd...... maybe I'll establish myself a little reward system.

Pre-Junior Year

To be quite honest, I am afraid of junior year. I know that every year is a step closer to college applications and adult life and freedoms that I don't yet understand, but this year for some reason seems like a much more significant leap. Everything I do will make a difference, I know how much I have to change in my behavior and my views and all of it entirely overwhelms me. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure..." -marianne williamson. My deepest fear is having to be powerful beyond measure, my deepest fear is moving forward in my life and it's strange to me because I know very surely that I'm tired of where I am and all I've been praying for, for the past who knows how long, has been that I can get out of here and start my future asap. What I really need is the courage to do so. I'm petrified of going through the obstacles I've known I'd have to go through to get where I want to be. Why does it hit me now? Why didn't I prepare for this? Then again, this type of fear usually hits people the summer before college. I'm grateful it happened two years early. Sort of.

Hopefully this year will teach me solidity; bravery might come in handy too.



Tomorrow:
Marvin's coming.
Picnic with Lu Shen Yu and Pauline.
WRITE AN ESSAY DAMNIT!


Friday:
SLYM Bonfire - Huntington

Saturday:
Dad's day/shopping.
Possible religious/musical oral communications.
PACK PACK PACK

Sunday:
I <3 airplanes.
Arkansas :D


MICHELLE SHIN AND KIMMIE LU
I might not write as much. So don't bother stalking this page. :] i love you

I got stuff done this weekend.

Beach and no sunburn.
Saw Arvinito.
Poked a couple holes in my ears.
Saw The Ugly Truth & My Sister's Keeper
Went Ice Skating avec Michelle and Steven.
Cleaned obsessively.
Rid myself of unnecessary clothing.
mini-Bonfire in vacationing neighbor's backyard.

I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER.
I love that song. I loved that commercial.
it makes me want to jump on a trampoline as high as i can and do backflips and run and go white water rafting and snowboard and ice skate as fast as i can and plunge into cold water.
and this sounds corny but it also makes me wanna scream "I HAVE SOUL!!!"
i guess it's one of those songs that inspires the real us to come out. or maybe even the better forms of us to come out.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS ALREADY INSIDE!!!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I found something not meant for me to see today.
I'm kind of a broken person. I say this like a fact, because that's what it is, not because I'm feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity. It's been a lot of ups and downs and disappointments for the passed two years and I want to be whole again.

In august I'll be going to Arkansas, for family and childhood friends. I want to isolate myself from parts of my life here. I always thought things were messed up in Arkansas, but to be honest, it is my home still. I want to go back home, away from the unnecessary dramas here. I'm exhausted and somewhat empty of emotions.

Michelle, I'm excited for the beach tomorrow. Being with friends has been a much needed escape lately..

Onward, March.

Total breakdown this weekend. Resulting from previous couple blogs. Thank you Adelynne and Adam for the uplifting speeches and putting up with me. Time to start being motivated. Stop watching TV all afternoon!!! Being a junior starts now. No more drinking. Time to work.

Now. Goals.
Finish three essays per week. at least.
Eat healthier.
Figure out catholicism.
Exercise.

Gray

There's gray spots in life.
Though this summer has been nothing less than exciting, and definitely a roller coaster, I still feel like it's so empty. Not empty as in dark and depressing, however I do feel as if it lacks meaning. In fact this whole year has been exactly that, hollow and colorless. I'm so confused as to why though.. I've become closer with my peers, created relationships that I hope never break (and I have mentioned such relationships in previous posts) nevertheless, I've accomplished nothing. I've made no leaps in becoming anything or anyone that I want to be. I keep telling myself that this is building my patience, a virtue I have yet accept, or possibly that I'm to be taught to see importance in the seemingly insignificant portions of my life, which I've obviously made no progress in due to the fact that I am a very "glass-half-empty" sort of girl.

Hopefully my frustrations will subside.
Ha. Hopefully. That word is overused.

MY TIME

Im done. whatever the fuck happens. I'm done.
This is My life. My portrait. My fucking time.

16

During the school year i spent so much of my time worrying about being alone. I think i over did it.. this summer has taught me how not alone i am. how i'm always loved whether i like it or not. and surprisingly it took a bunch of girls to teach me that. (not lesbian). but i've gotta say.. Adelynne, Pauline, Kimmie, Michelle, Natasha. thanks. I owe you girls a lot.

mmk. subjecto numero dos. My birthday is in two days. Finally 16. and time to recap on the past year being 15.

Recovery Year.
recovering from major depression, break up, religious flourishing, recent metamorphosis
deeper understanding of the people around me.
making acquaintances into close friends.
realizing everything i can be, want to be, and how to achieve being those things for the future.
new strategies that aren't as outwardly appealing, but narrow down and make searching more specific.

However, this has been a somewhat uninteresting year compared to the past three years. Maybe I'm crossing into a new phase of my life. Or maybe I've already crossed and I missed the sign. I guess it's because in previous years it's been all about growth and change, which i suppose is completely natural..and this year's just been about becoming comfortable with that.

I hope that whatever 16 brings, i'm ready for it.

Laziness

Everyone looks the same.
And everyone knows it.

Let's redefine identity..

We fall for it ourselves..
even the strong ones.

We're all vulnerable,
no matter how much we want to deny it.

Is tolerance conformity?
what is tolerance.
Is tolerance for those who are to scared to fight?



I'm sad that I've become so lazy that I don't care that I know I'm a coward.

Australia, by request

To Michelle Shin:

Australia.
well first things first, nicole kidman and hugh jackman would make the world's hottest and most talented children. the Aryan race would kill for kids built like them. and on a personal note, i love that half caste kid. i love his line.."i not black fella, and i not white fella.." my version would be, "i not china fella and i not white fella" but anyway.
LOVED. this movie. i have a feeling, michelle shin, that you will enjoy the kangaroo scene. Humor, romance, evil plot, war, nearly-naked aboriginal man. oh yes. all the necessities for a great movie. it's kind of like moulin rouge minus the cancan dancers and set down under.. less sex, more dirt and nature. and cows.
I think both nicole kidman and hugh jackman did a wonderful job on the whole "turning point in character" you know what i mean? both morphing into the hero/heroine. nicely done.


oh and btw.
i watched most of the da vinci code.... i don't get it.. but i really liked it in an "i am intrigued, but i need to watch it again" type way.. have you seen it?

Thoughts on Movies

I watched Under the Tuscan Sun, He's Just Not That Into You, and New In Town today. Oh and Cold Mountain.
Under the Tuscan Sun.. was the "Things will happen on their own time, just let it fall into place" movie. and honestly i really wanted that lifestyle. Though i kept wondering how she had enough money to spontaneously buy a tuscan villa after going through a divorce. I have no qualms about living in a foreign country but realistically i could never actually settle down and die in a place where no one speaks english. But then again. if i had the chance, i'd probably do it. maybe when i'm old i wont want to talk to anybody anyway.

He's Just Not That Into You.. well. it's weird to think that in 20 years i'll probably be married. hell, in 20 years i could be married twice and divorced. see, this is why i rarely go to sleep happy. i need to stop thinking of good things and then immediately countering them with the worst possible scenarios. anyway. that movie reminded me that i have at least a decade left of dating to do and relationships to learn from. ughhh..how i dread the thought. I want the relationship that jennifer aniston had in that movie. she's the one who ends up married. note to self: love is blind. love is only real if you think, "in 80 years when i can no longer wipe my ass, or if he cannot wipe his own ass, do i love him enough to do it for him?" THEN. and only then, can i marry him. because the tall handsome perfect smile will soon become withered wrinkly and making investments in dencher easy-stick adhesives. oh yes. til death do us part.

New In Town. well that was a nice family movie. that's all i really have to say. not a big fan of canadian accents. sounds like everyone's lips are pruning and there's an oreo stuck vertically in each of their mouths.

Cold Mountain. ahhh my favorite, dark, depressingly romantic, heart-crushing movies. i fall in love with the male leads in these type movies. hello darcy, inman, robbie, and sir charles grey. why am i so in love with them? because they are in agony, absolute desperation for the women they love. and they're not complete wimps or whipped incompetent little men who can't get at the girl out of their league. they are intelligent male figures, strong, accomplished, complete with integrity, and yet they're completely ripped and torn apart because the woman that inspires them to rejoice in their accomplishments is not by their sides. i love it.

when confused, wait.

I'm confused.
I'm too attached. I've been too attached.
I was so used to there not being better.
But I don't know for sure. But just having been so close to it.
I don't want to settle. It'll be hard and possibly impossible.
And idk if i want to try. i want to try, but i've been waiting for this chance.
but maybe i shouldn't take this chance, maybe i should avoid it.
i've been waiting for so long. and just when i was almost there.
something made me doubt what i wanted. and now.
i'm not sure anymore.
i'm too impatient.


i know what i should do.
i just don't want to.

i guess. i should just do. what i know i should do.
or at least try.

i need to go on a walk. and stop moping.

GOODNIGHT

School needs to end.
I'm sad seniors are leaving.
But out with the old, in with the new.
goodbye you 18 yr old pedo's. get outta high school.

asdl;fkjkdfjdj
grr. weird mood.
sore. worked out. feels good sorta.

it frustrates me when people say how angry they are or they complain
and then you're like oh what's wrong? and they're like nothing.
-_- really? come on.
don't ever complain that you're alone. cuz you aren't.
if you are. it's your fault.
harsh. but true.

mmmkkk
i'm exhausted. shoulder hurts.
can't believe how good my made up french oral was.
thank you jesus.


GOODNIGHT.

Construction

I think it's funny how fast we all grow and develop and transition.
Especially through high school and our teenage years.

I personally, can't remember much about my childhood. It's faded all too quickly. And for some, I'll admit, I'm happy to have lost clarity.

I'm a sentimental, "look back and reflect upon it" type person. I used to be the epitome of a carefree, innocent, naive, young girl and I was completely oblivious. And I loved it.

Now, I don't know what I am or what I would be categorized as, but that's only because what I do know is that I can't be categorized and I can't fully know myself. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly coming upon new things, I'm an endless Socratic "the more you know, the less you know" human being. Every layer of myself I come upon needs work, needs tweaking; a lift here, a twist there. I'm continuously under construction.

At first, I wondered why I had become so suddenly critical of everyone else; "why is he so ignorant?" "how can she not see how wrong that is?" All of a sudden, everyone looked so blind to me. I couldn't believe how out of line other people's actions were, not to mention how everyone else had conformed to it as well. But for all that criticism of all the people surrounding me, I hated myself. Even though I hated them, I wanted to be like them because I was alone. Alone with my ridiculous standards I held for everyone around me.

Then I realized that it was because I'd become harder on myself. And in that, I found that I had been blind. People are going to change on their own time. I'm sure that at some point, maybe even right now, someone has looked at me and wondered how I could live in such ignorant bliss. But I just keep having to remember that no matter how long construction takes, something beautiful is always the result.

I know, it's such a cliche to say that everyone is unique. But even cliches are forgotten, so I'll repeat it so you and I both commit it to memory. Everyone is unique, just give them time to develop their intricacies.

Yesterday

I found out that i made chamber choir :] ahh so happy. everything's been really good lately. no drama, school's almost out, saw taylor swift and john mayer, which was incredible. not gonna lie. GREAT show. even for country music. can't wait for the cruise! no luck with boys but that's ok.
everything else makes that ok.

i feel like watching pride and prejudice.
i wanna fall asleep between the petals of a rose.
i feel like standing one my dads feet while he dances.
mm.. or lying in the grass in my underwear. not in a pornographic type way but a "i want to feel the world and everything everywhere and listen to it all" type way.

actually, the mood i'm in now, i might consider naive later. but for now, i like it.

i have halo stuck in my head.

Some days.. i just want to be alone. i want harry potter's invisibility cloak. i wanna close my mouth and leave the world open to my eyes and ears. i want to close my self. but not shut out the world. i want to freeze myself. and watch time pass by. i think in cutting myself off, things might seem clearer. Not in anger, not in spite, not in rejection. but just for clarity.
Maybe it's just so that i can see how things would be without me.
just to know that i have an effect. just to know that i'm not a shadow ignored by the universe.
when you're silent. when you're vulnerable. you are left to absorb.
to feel. to understand. to finally grasp something..

it's a relief..


i don't think that i should talk when speech is, at times, so unnecessary.
change the world, and if necessary, use words.
kinda taken from st. francis of asisi(sp?)

my stomach rumbles, ferocity and anger wrestle within.
rip my skin, bare my teeth, claw my way through.
use any way to release.
whether it be ugly or beautiful.
let it break through.
whether it be putrid or perfumed.
let it break through.
whether it be evil or sacred.
let it break through.

Sun

You meet.
Immediate warmth,
immediate embrace.
Midas' kiss turns you golden,
and brown.
You are judged,
brown or red.
Either way,
your brow shines.
You squint,
flecs of him
are left in your eyes.
At the end of his rule
you peel away his traces.
but he leaves you,
for nights on end.
As flowers do,
your eyes follow his every move.
Silently, and every morn,
he brushes you to wake.
Hopefully he will return,
wishes every breath you take.

I had a really good day today. There was absolutely no bad part to it. Ha these kinds of days are so rare that I keep feeling like something is going to jinx it. But it's 9 pm. and everything's going strong.
I got the classes I wanted, called somewhat early for summer registration.
Finished my homework early
cleaned up the kitchen
had boba
music, beautiful weather
everything's fitting well today.
good food, good people, good times.

Prayers for Pauline, Spencer, and Audrey.
I think they could use a good day like the one i had today..

Lord i'm truely thankful
more days like this, yes?? yes??
yes. i think so.
:D

I just want to BE.

i love moments where everything is just... silent.
but in that silence the universe speaks.

i want serenity and simplicity
and in that, to discover intricacies i would have otherwise never noticed..

i want to learn calligraphy
i want to put stamps on letters to my loved ones
i want to sew dresses
i want to finish a book
i want to sit in a garden that i planted and nurtured
i want to learn how to play the cello
i want to lie in the grass at night, when everything just breathes..

i want to write.. and not feel pressured for time.
i want to sleep and not wake up from an alarm
i want to wake up and not remember things i have to finish

i don't want to worry.. about school or love or being someone or becoming someone
i just want to BE.
i just want to BE.

Just Lately

I've had things to look forward to. Yeah there's been testing and I've been in and out of the doctor's and my love life is still stuck in it's usual slump. But I think my whole long lonely streak of obsessing over my singularity has taught me to not be so afraid of being alone. I think maybe finally I'm growing from last year's break up, after months of trying to find the meaning. It's hard to put into words.. i guess maybe just that i'm finally more receptive to the love of my friends and family and having that be enough to satisfy me. instead of focusing on the "fairytale" type stuff.

There's something about nighttime that's so filled with clarity... which is somewhat ironic because it's when the hours are darkest.

man. often i say things that could be followed up with "now let's take a moment and reflect upon this".

things to look forward to:
confirmation
Taylor Swift avec Pauline
End of School
Cruise to Mexico with the Dadivas's. and kimmie. and vanessa.
Possibly Arkansas.

Future

I think the walnut high school population of asians has corrupted my view of the future. I need to remember and redefine my own definition of success. I shouldn't have to fit into the world's definition of success, I will do what I love and what I have passion for and I will do it greatly. College is not the end of the line, a school's guidelines should not be my guidelines. I want to change the world my way, individuals are here for a reason, I'm not going to slip into a path that someone else already blazed through.

ugh.. I suppose I'm agitated only because I feel like high school is almost completely pointless. Whatever, here's to the memories.

Complaining sort of.

I've got a sore throat.. It hurts like no other.

I haven't written in a while. Musical took up a lot of time. anyway. here goes.

Sometimes i wish i were a tree..
They stand with their toes oozing through the mud
perfectly content in their positions.
Everything is complacent except their many arms.
reaching, twisting, arthritic, yearning
addicted to the sky.

All a tree needs is the sky
Or no i guess it's really trying to get at the sun.
Never the less it's the one and only thing it wants.
I wish i only desired one thing.
But who says where the sky begins?
who says you can't gather so much sunlight
that you might actually be holding a piece of the sun?

Whatever.
No one else knows anything.
I'll see it the say I see it.
I'll get through the way I get through.
I'll become what I become.

good thing that's easier said than done.
God expects God-like qualities to come out of me.
Do I look like God?
no..


I'm so tired. Exhausted through and through.

Relief

fingers dance
tapping, weaving through quick, fast, speed.
keep time keep time
tap tap tap
not one before the other,
fingers must express
through nothing but a morse code
tap tap tap
one must not go ahead of one's partner
fingers dance, pounding the alphabet
taps scream the soul of the instructor
dancers, tapping til they bleed
insanely working through the night
must get this out
accomplish this
this is our identity,
this piece of art,
this masterpiece.
it is me and i must dance it out
i must tap it out
i must write it out before i blow into a million pieces.
fingers dance a routine
not otherwise open to the world
tapping releases, dancing expresses, paper consoles.

Ice

She froze
Her eyes were left surviving
Ice encasing a statue
Inside, a blushed, thudding heart
Years of yearning

Glaciers eroded,
but by the next winter had refrozen
A gentle climber rose to meet her
Admiring her majesty
he hiked and pounded
and stabbed at the ice
to unearth the beating echo that only he heard

Then at last,
He breathed a sigh of near hopelessness
so warm, the ice melted
and her pounding heart was his

Fragility

You're wondering if I'm broken
Ok then, yes, I'm broken
As the splitting ground who thirsts,
Waiting in a daze as mirages dance,
Shivering despite the sunshine
Tearing deeper through me
Are those who push their luck,
For there's nothing here,
I'm dry, empty, and broken

You want to ask, am I broken?
Well, of course, broken
As a shattered glass
Once holding a sweeter wine
With twinkling screams I hit the floor
And flowing from my severed body
Leaked trust for the hand of my master

If I'm broken
It must be the betrayal
Of time's end to those
Who had wished to make amends,
As well as the victims of such regrets
Time knows no limits,
Yet our limit is time.

If I'm broken
It's with shed tears
From wounds that no stitch can sew,
Wondering in pain whether healing
Will arrive before hopeless resignation

Why, and How come..

I want to spend an eternity with my husband.
Not "til death do us part"

It is as easy for a blind man to get to heaven,
as it is easy for a camel to go through the eye of a needle.

When girls say they want to marry a rich man or that they won't marry the guy they love til he's rich, I feel like slapping their faces and yelling at them for being so superficial..
but I don't because I'm a coward.

I'm scared to be blinded by my desire to be married that I commit to the wrong man.
It happened to my mother, it could happen to me.

How come when you quit looking is when you find?
How come you don't find happiness until you've gone through pain?

I've heard songs saying that the answer to the hardest questions in life, is love.
How come love isn't the answer to my questions?
It's always much harder and much more complicated than just love.
Though love in itself could quite possibly be the most complicated thing in existence.

Why am I the type of person to see things from a negative point of view..
How come everyone else has a relationship that works and I don't?
I just want to scream FUCK MY LIFE and every other four letter word I know.

Why does everything have conditions?
Why can't it be straightforward and not so tangled in messes of pasts and judgments..

Braille.

I will question, constantly.
I will not let a perfumed veil pass before my eyes.

I am scared...
Perfumed veil?
Or iron bars..

pick and choose
pick and choose

Do we really have a choice?
Isn't it a plan set by the high and almighty God?

Who am I kidding.
ignorance, love, delicate memory, mistakes,
money, jealousy, greed, sex, lust, satisfaction.
Satisfaction?
WHO AM I KIDDING.

no one.

none of those things will ever satisfy
none of those things will ever gratify
none of those things will ever fulfill

because they are just that.
Things.

God, are you a blindfold?
because I put everything I have in You.
My love, my trust, my faith, my choice..
Don't I?

No.. not really..
Am I a coward for being so human?
I am a coward for being so resistant.


I held the blindfold over my own eyes..
Scared to be blinded and yet in that became blind.
God, you're my glasses..

Mirror.

Life is a human body.
We are inside, (pause) as we are outside.
We are a human body, (speed up) whether it be physically or mentally.(pause)
We acquire infections, we grow,(crescendo) we develope, we wear out,
(pause, decrescendo) we expire.
We are vain, we are greedy, we are
(shout) HUNGRY FOR MORE.

Shall we be strangled???
By the bodies we are imprisoned in?
Our insides, (speed up) our experiences, our needs, outcries, fears (pause)
(slower) scrape the insides of our throats, shiver through our bodies, seep out of our pores..
begging with silence yet weighted and through gritted teeth.
I AM HERE THIS IS WHO I AM (pause) YOU WILL LISTEN.

Close your eyes. Physically.
Reach out, touch his face, pull away, turn away.
"No.."
He says silently with a touch.
Pulls you in, kisses your mouth.
Your mind's soundtrack plays an old rise of romantic violins.
In this moment. Complacency.
Love blinds. Mentally.


We hide.
We block it all out.
But it finds our pores,
our eyes..supposed windows to our souls
our subconscious, how penetrable.
Whatever "it" is.

"It" is our fault.
And we know it.
What "it" doesn't know is that we learn.
No matter how much time it takes
We will always learn.

That is all.
Now we're through.
We've expired..as in we've now used up
all that we could've possibly used up
within the time alotted, of course.
Everything we have ever strangled,
Will return the favor eventually.

Alarm

I woke up this morning several times..and at each time I was in a different mood, probably due to the fact that I'd woken from several different dreams, the first was strange, the second I didn't understand (it was much too abstract), and the third was amazing. Which is why I was depressed, the dream was one I'd hoped for in real life but I knew would never happen.

Mom drove me to Ali's to fix her hair and make-up for formal.

When I got to her house she and her friend were watching a movie, the name of which I can't remember. During one scene this old man said, "just because you are frightened of all the bad that can happen, it's not worth shutting out the world and risking the good things that can happen".

I need to focus on the good in my life.. I think that's the hardest thing for me to do. I'm one of those natural cynics who can't help but pick at the horrible aspects of life. Who ever said life's a bitch was probably someone like me. I don't understand.. why do adults and all the older people in our lives as children seem to have it all? and yet once we get to our desired age we become less and less happy? I remember seeing my mother when I was little, wishing I were a lady like she was, someone who sat up straight and smiled and laughed at intelligent conversation and was married and played tennis on the weekends with her husband. But now I find out that it was all a cover. My mother was depressed and unhappily married for a very long time, I don't know how she could stand it. All the covers, all the disguises we mask ourselves with, are only as deceptive as we consciously wish them to be. I'm willing to bet that if we all unmasked ourselves, we would find that we all have a lot more in common than we think, that we're joined in our suffering and in our pain and in our loneliness. But anyway.. sometimes I wish I were as ignorant as I used to be when I was younger, I'm sure I still do have some level of ignorance that I've yet to grow out of. Maybe those are our masks.. but then I suppose they could be our shields as well. When we're young we can't endure the struggles that adults face and so we are shielded with naivete and ignorance. And then they are in turn doubly shielded by adults wishing their struggles to be kept secret by covering it. My God there is such a blanket covering everybody in the world, dulling the point of a sword that maybe if we took off our masks we'd realize it was not a sword but rather an alarm.

What is your alarm?