Pre-Junior Year

To be quite honest, I am afraid of junior year. I know that every year is a step closer to college applications and adult life and freedoms that I don't yet understand, but this year for some reason seems like a much more significant leap. Everything I do will make a difference, I know how much I have to change in my behavior and my views and all of it entirely overwhelms me. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure..." -marianne williamson. My deepest fear is having to be powerful beyond measure, my deepest fear is moving forward in my life and it's strange to me because I know very surely that I'm tired of where I am and all I've been praying for, for the past who knows how long, has been that I can get out of here and start my future asap. What I really need is the courage to do so. I'm petrified of going through the obstacles I've known I'd have to go through to get where I want to be. Why does it hit me now? Why didn't I prepare for this? Then again, this type of fear usually hits people the summer before college. I'm grateful it happened two years early. Sort of.

Hopefully this year will teach me solidity; bravery might come in handy too.



Tomorrow:
Marvin's coming.
Picnic with Lu Shen Yu and Pauline.
WRITE AN ESSAY DAMNIT!


Friday:
SLYM Bonfire - Huntington

Saturday:
Dad's day/shopping.
Possible religious/musical oral communications.
PACK PACK PACK

Sunday:
I <3 airplanes.
Arkansas :D


MICHELLE SHIN AND KIMMIE LU
I might not write as much. So don't bother stalking this page. :] i love you

I got stuff done this weekend.

Beach and no sunburn.
Saw Arvinito.
Poked a couple holes in my ears.
Saw The Ugly Truth & My Sister's Keeper
Went Ice Skating avec Michelle and Steven.
Cleaned obsessively.
Rid myself of unnecessary clothing.
mini-Bonfire in vacationing neighbor's backyard.

I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER.
I love that song. I loved that commercial.
it makes me want to jump on a trampoline as high as i can and do backflips and run and go white water rafting and snowboard and ice skate as fast as i can and plunge into cold water.
and this sounds corny but it also makes me wanna scream "I HAVE SOUL!!!"
i guess it's one of those songs that inspires the real us to come out. or maybe even the better forms of us to come out.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS ALREADY INSIDE!!!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I found something not meant for me to see today.
I'm kind of a broken person. I say this like a fact, because that's what it is, not because I'm feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity. It's been a lot of ups and downs and disappointments for the passed two years and I want to be whole again.

In august I'll be going to Arkansas, for family and childhood friends. I want to isolate myself from parts of my life here. I always thought things were messed up in Arkansas, but to be honest, it is my home still. I want to go back home, away from the unnecessary dramas here. I'm exhausted and somewhat empty of emotions.

Michelle, I'm excited for the beach tomorrow. Being with friends has been a much needed escape lately..

Onward, March.

Total breakdown this weekend. Resulting from previous couple blogs. Thank you Adelynne and Adam for the uplifting speeches and putting up with me. Time to start being motivated. Stop watching TV all afternoon!!! Being a junior starts now. No more drinking. Time to work.

Now. Goals.
Finish three essays per week. at least.
Eat healthier.
Figure out catholicism.
Exercise.

Gray

There's gray spots in life.
Though this summer has been nothing less than exciting, and definitely a roller coaster, I still feel like it's so empty. Not empty as in dark and depressing, however I do feel as if it lacks meaning. In fact this whole year has been exactly that, hollow and colorless. I'm so confused as to why though.. I've become closer with my peers, created relationships that I hope never break (and I have mentioned such relationships in previous posts) nevertheless, I've accomplished nothing. I've made no leaps in becoming anything or anyone that I want to be. I keep telling myself that this is building my patience, a virtue I have yet accept, or possibly that I'm to be taught to see importance in the seemingly insignificant portions of my life, which I've obviously made no progress in due to the fact that I am a very "glass-half-empty" sort of girl.

Hopefully my frustrations will subside.
Ha. Hopefully. That word is overused.

MY TIME

Im done. whatever the fuck happens. I'm done.
This is My life. My portrait. My fucking time.

16

During the school year i spent so much of my time worrying about being alone. I think i over did it.. this summer has taught me how not alone i am. how i'm always loved whether i like it or not. and surprisingly it took a bunch of girls to teach me that. (not lesbian). but i've gotta say.. Adelynne, Pauline, Kimmie, Michelle, Natasha. thanks. I owe you girls a lot.

mmk. subjecto numero dos. My birthday is in two days. Finally 16. and time to recap on the past year being 15.

Recovery Year.
recovering from major depression, break up, religious flourishing, recent metamorphosis
deeper understanding of the people around me.
making acquaintances into close friends.
realizing everything i can be, want to be, and how to achieve being those things for the future.
new strategies that aren't as outwardly appealing, but narrow down and make searching more specific.

However, this has been a somewhat uninteresting year compared to the past three years. Maybe I'm crossing into a new phase of my life. Or maybe I've already crossed and I missed the sign. I guess it's because in previous years it's been all about growth and change, which i suppose is completely natural..and this year's just been about becoming comfortable with that.

I hope that whatever 16 brings, i'm ready for it.