Long time..

I'm listening to "comptine d'un autre ete" - yann tiersen. thank you michelle shin for introducing me to this song; it's calming.

It's been an outrageously long time since i've written. i've had no time, i've not cared, i've not reflected. i don't think busy is a healthy status for me to always be in. it's just not me..i enjoy my time at a slower pace rather than this constant and modern rushing that seems to control the rest of the world. i'm a separate entity from the world altogether, or so i'd like to believe. there is the world and my community and my people and those people, and then there's me, me and my world with my time.

Kevin Real called me innocent today.. because i don't like the dances, because i don't get asked to dances, because i am too tall, because i am in no hurry to communicate with anyone with my back turned, with my back communicating. I think i cared a little too much that he said that though, i had to think it over and debate whether or not it really mattered and what it means to me to be innocent and i concluded that i'd rather be called innocent than naive.

if i had a choice i think i'd spend a lot of time driving to very quiet places and just thinking. i think i'd just cry in a reflective, exhilerating, letting life overwhelm me kind of way, and just falling asleep on the grass, letting myself be part of the world.

i'd even just love a little more time to just stay on here, and write.

Through all the tumult.

Jessika Hwang died. I didn't know her, I'd seen pictures, I'd seen her around, I'd met her minutes before hand. Her existence just ended.. right after I met her. And she'll forever be in my memory as the girl I was lucky enough to know for less than an hour.
Samih's grandfather died. I'd never met him, but hearing of his death right after Jessika's added to the weight of everything that weekend.
Evelyn died, she was a lovable, big, black lady who looked after me and my best friend when we were in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. She was the definition of Baptist Church goer. She had a heart attack, she was 58.
Gracie Udouj. is in critical condition with swine flu. I babysat her when she was five. She's nine now.. she's on a ventilator. All I want to do is wrap her in my arms and hold her until her disease melts away.
Clare, my cousin, who i've looked up to my entire life, who was the smartest girl in her class, went to rehab this weekend. My uncle is heart broken. His little girl addicted to pills, pot, and meth.

"Through all the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing, it sounds and echoes in my soul, how can I keep from singing? No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging, Since love is lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep singing?"

I

I love freedom, until it becomes chaos.
I love lines, until they become limits.

Live in Moderation. But do not live to an extent.

Cue suspenseful music...

It's not ignorance that's my downfall, it's apathy.

Originally, I thought the base of it was ignorance or laziness or even defiance, but if I don't care enough then I won't do it, and I will be awfully blatant about it. Is it possible to force myself to care? Would that be more successful or more self benefitting than if I just hoped for some sort of drive to kick in? Probably.
Here I am again in two parts, one shouting get the hell off your ass, and the other rolling eyes saying why should I.
Even if I know the risks to several things considered inappropriate to society, I do them anyway because I could care less. That's dangerous. I know. It's boredom I suppose. I know what I'm doing, I know the possible consequences, but a very large chunk of the time I feel like it doesn't really matter and anyone with a good level of self control will turn out ok. The only problem with this is that to have self control you have to have a certain amount of drive in taking care of yourself; which means caring, which means when it all comes around full circle my downfall is imminent.
Downfall has dramatically negative connotations..like my doom or the death of me, however, taking under consideration my current family issues, the word isn't too far off the mark.

Damnit, I need to save myself. I need to realize that I could be very close to crossing the line, which hopefully will not need to become tangible before I see things clearly.

a;lsfjd...... maybe I'll establish myself a little reward system.

Pre-Junior Year

To be quite honest, I am afraid of junior year. I know that every year is a step closer to college applications and adult life and freedoms that I don't yet understand, but this year for some reason seems like a much more significant leap. Everything I do will make a difference, I know how much I have to change in my behavior and my views and all of it entirely overwhelms me. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure..." -marianne williamson. My deepest fear is having to be powerful beyond measure, my deepest fear is moving forward in my life and it's strange to me because I know very surely that I'm tired of where I am and all I've been praying for, for the past who knows how long, has been that I can get out of here and start my future asap. What I really need is the courage to do so. I'm petrified of going through the obstacles I've known I'd have to go through to get where I want to be. Why does it hit me now? Why didn't I prepare for this? Then again, this type of fear usually hits people the summer before college. I'm grateful it happened two years early. Sort of.

Hopefully this year will teach me solidity; bravery might come in handy too.



Tomorrow:
Marvin's coming.
Picnic with Lu Shen Yu and Pauline.
WRITE AN ESSAY DAMNIT!


Friday:
SLYM Bonfire - Huntington

Saturday:
Dad's day/shopping.
Possible religious/musical oral communications.
PACK PACK PACK

Sunday:
I <3 airplanes.
Arkansas :D


MICHELLE SHIN AND KIMMIE LU
I might not write as much. So don't bother stalking this page. :] i love you

I got stuff done this weekend.

Beach and no sunburn.
Saw Arvinito.
Poked a couple holes in my ears.
Saw The Ugly Truth & My Sister's Keeper
Went Ice Skating avec Michelle and Steven.
Cleaned obsessively.
Rid myself of unnecessary clothing.
mini-Bonfire in vacationing neighbor's backyard.

I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER.
I love that song. I loved that commercial.
it makes me want to jump on a trampoline as high as i can and do backflips and run and go white water rafting and snowboard and ice skate as fast as i can and plunge into cold water.
and this sounds corny but it also makes me wanna scream "I HAVE SOUL!!!"
i guess it's one of those songs that inspires the real us to come out. or maybe even the better forms of us to come out.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS ALREADY INSIDE!!!

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I found something not meant for me to see today.
I'm kind of a broken person. I say this like a fact, because that's what it is, not because I'm feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity. It's been a lot of ups and downs and disappointments for the passed two years and I want to be whole again.

In august I'll be going to Arkansas, for family and childhood friends. I want to isolate myself from parts of my life here. I always thought things were messed up in Arkansas, but to be honest, it is my home still. I want to go back home, away from the unnecessary dramas here. I'm exhausted and somewhat empty of emotions.

Michelle, I'm excited for the beach tomorrow. Being with friends has been a much needed escape lately..