Long time..

I'm listening to "comptine d'un autre ete" - yann tiersen. thank you michelle shin for introducing me to this song; it's calming.

It's been an outrageously long time since i've written. i've had no time, i've not cared, i've not reflected. i don't think busy is a healthy status for me to always be in. it's just not me..i enjoy my time at a slower pace rather than this constant and modern rushing that seems to control the rest of the world. i'm a separate entity from the world altogether, or so i'd like to believe. there is the world and my community and my people and those people, and then there's me, me and my world with my time.

Kevin Real called me innocent today.. because i don't like the dances, because i don't get asked to dances, because i am too tall, because i am in no hurry to communicate with anyone with my back turned, with my back communicating. I think i cared a little too much that he said that though, i had to think it over and debate whether or not it really mattered and what it means to me to be innocent and i concluded that i'd rather be called innocent than naive.

if i had a choice i think i'd spend a lot of time driving to very quiet places and just thinking. i think i'd just cry in a reflective, exhilerating, letting life overwhelm me kind of way, and just falling asleep on the grass, letting myself be part of the world.

i'd even just love a little more time to just stay on here, and write.

Through all the tumult.

Jessika Hwang died. I didn't know her, I'd seen pictures, I'd seen her around, I'd met her minutes before hand. Her existence just ended.. right after I met her. And she'll forever be in my memory as the girl I was lucky enough to know for less than an hour.
Samih's grandfather died. I'd never met him, but hearing of his death right after Jessika's added to the weight of everything that weekend.
Evelyn died, she was a lovable, big, black lady who looked after me and my best friend when we were in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. She was the definition of Baptist Church goer. She had a heart attack, she was 58.
Gracie Udouj. is in critical condition with swine flu. I babysat her when she was five. She's nine now.. she's on a ventilator. All I want to do is wrap her in my arms and hold her until her disease melts away.
Clare, my cousin, who i've looked up to my entire life, who was the smartest girl in her class, went to rehab this weekend. My uncle is heart broken. His little girl addicted to pills, pot, and meth.

"Through all the tumult and the strife, I hear the music ringing, it sounds and echoes in my soul, how can I keep from singing? No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging, Since love is lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep singing?"

I

I love freedom, until it becomes chaos.
I love lines, until they become limits.

Live in Moderation. But do not live to an extent.