GOODNIGHT

School needs to end.
I'm sad seniors are leaving.
But out with the old, in with the new.
goodbye you 18 yr old pedo's. get outta high school.

asdl;fkjkdfjdj
grr. weird mood.
sore. worked out. feels good sorta.

it frustrates me when people say how angry they are or they complain
and then you're like oh what's wrong? and they're like nothing.
-_- really? come on.
don't ever complain that you're alone. cuz you aren't.
if you are. it's your fault.
harsh. but true.

mmmkkk
i'm exhausted. shoulder hurts.
can't believe how good my made up french oral was.
thank you jesus.


GOODNIGHT.

Construction

I think it's funny how fast we all grow and develop and transition.
Especially through high school and our teenage years.

I personally, can't remember much about my childhood. It's faded all too quickly. And for some, I'll admit, I'm happy to have lost clarity.

I'm a sentimental, "look back and reflect upon it" type person. I used to be the epitome of a carefree, innocent, naive, young girl and I was completely oblivious. And I loved it.

Now, I don't know what I am or what I would be categorized as, but that's only because what I do know is that I can't be categorized and I can't fully know myself. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly coming upon new things, I'm an endless Socratic "the more you know, the less you know" human being. Every layer of myself I come upon needs work, needs tweaking; a lift here, a twist there. I'm continuously under construction.

At first, I wondered why I had become so suddenly critical of everyone else; "why is he so ignorant?" "how can she not see how wrong that is?" All of a sudden, everyone looked so blind to me. I couldn't believe how out of line other people's actions were, not to mention how everyone else had conformed to it as well. But for all that criticism of all the people surrounding me, I hated myself. Even though I hated them, I wanted to be like them because I was alone. Alone with my ridiculous standards I held for everyone around me.

Then I realized that it was because I'd become harder on myself. And in that, I found that I had been blind. People are going to change on their own time. I'm sure that at some point, maybe even right now, someone has looked at me and wondered how I could live in such ignorant bliss. But I just keep having to remember that no matter how long construction takes, something beautiful is always the result.

I know, it's such a cliche to say that everyone is unique. But even cliches are forgotten, so I'll repeat it so you and I both commit it to memory. Everyone is unique, just give them time to develop their intricacies.

Yesterday

I found out that i made chamber choir :] ahh so happy. everything's been really good lately. no drama, school's almost out, saw taylor swift and john mayer, which was incredible. not gonna lie. GREAT show. even for country music. can't wait for the cruise! no luck with boys but that's ok.
everything else makes that ok.

i feel like watching pride and prejudice.
i wanna fall asleep between the petals of a rose.
i feel like standing one my dads feet while he dances.
mm.. or lying in the grass in my underwear. not in a pornographic type way but a "i want to feel the world and everything everywhere and listen to it all" type way.

actually, the mood i'm in now, i might consider naive later. but for now, i like it.

i have halo stuck in my head.

Some days.. i just want to be alone. i want harry potter's invisibility cloak. i wanna close my mouth and leave the world open to my eyes and ears. i want to close my self. but not shut out the world. i want to freeze myself. and watch time pass by. i think in cutting myself off, things might seem clearer. Not in anger, not in spite, not in rejection. but just for clarity.
Maybe it's just so that i can see how things would be without me.
just to know that i have an effect. just to know that i'm not a shadow ignored by the universe.
when you're silent. when you're vulnerable. you are left to absorb.
to feel. to understand. to finally grasp something..

it's a relief..


i don't think that i should talk when speech is, at times, so unnecessary.
change the world, and if necessary, use words.
kinda taken from st. francis of asisi(sp?)

my stomach rumbles, ferocity and anger wrestle within.
rip my skin, bare my teeth, claw my way through.
use any way to release.
whether it be ugly or beautiful.
let it break through.
whether it be putrid or perfumed.
let it break through.
whether it be evil or sacred.
let it break through.

Sun

You meet.
Immediate warmth,
immediate embrace.
Midas' kiss turns you golden,
and brown.
You are judged,
brown or red.
Either way,
your brow shines.
You squint,
flecs of him
are left in your eyes.
At the end of his rule
you peel away his traces.
but he leaves you,
for nights on end.
As flowers do,
your eyes follow his every move.
Silently, and every morn,
he brushes you to wake.
Hopefully he will return,
wishes every breath you take.

I had a really good day today. There was absolutely no bad part to it. Ha these kinds of days are so rare that I keep feeling like something is going to jinx it. But it's 9 pm. and everything's going strong.
I got the classes I wanted, called somewhat early for summer registration.
Finished my homework early
cleaned up the kitchen
had boba
music, beautiful weather
everything's fitting well today.
good food, good people, good times.

Prayers for Pauline, Spencer, and Audrey.
I think they could use a good day like the one i had today..

Lord i'm truely thankful
more days like this, yes?? yes??
yes. i think so.
:D

I just want to BE.

i love moments where everything is just... silent.
but in that silence the universe speaks.

i want serenity and simplicity
and in that, to discover intricacies i would have otherwise never noticed..

i want to learn calligraphy
i want to put stamps on letters to my loved ones
i want to sew dresses
i want to finish a book
i want to sit in a garden that i planted and nurtured
i want to learn how to play the cello
i want to lie in the grass at night, when everything just breathes..

i want to write.. and not feel pressured for time.
i want to sleep and not wake up from an alarm
i want to wake up and not remember things i have to finish

i don't want to worry.. about school or love or being someone or becoming someone
i just want to BE.
i just want to BE.