16

During the school year i spent so much of my time worrying about being alone. I think i over did it.. this summer has taught me how not alone i am. how i'm always loved whether i like it or not. and surprisingly it took a bunch of girls to teach me that. (not lesbian). but i've gotta say.. Adelynne, Pauline, Kimmie, Michelle, Natasha. thanks. I owe you girls a lot.

mmk. subjecto numero dos. My birthday is in two days. Finally 16. and time to recap on the past year being 15.

Recovery Year.
recovering from major depression, break up, religious flourishing, recent metamorphosis
deeper understanding of the people around me.
making acquaintances into close friends.
realizing everything i can be, want to be, and how to achieve being those things for the future.
new strategies that aren't as outwardly appealing, but narrow down and make searching more specific.

However, this has been a somewhat uninteresting year compared to the past three years. Maybe I'm crossing into a new phase of my life. Or maybe I've already crossed and I missed the sign. I guess it's because in previous years it's been all about growth and change, which i suppose is completely natural..and this year's just been about becoming comfortable with that.

I hope that whatever 16 brings, i'm ready for it.

Laziness

Everyone looks the same.
And everyone knows it.

Let's redefine identity..

We fall for it ourselves..
even the strong ones.

We're all vulnerable,
no matter how much we want to deny it.

Is tolerance conformity?
what is tolerance.
Is tolerance for those who are to scared to fight?



I'm sad that I've become so lazy that I don't care that I know I'm a coward.

Australia, by request

To Michelle Shin:

Australia.
well first things first, nicole kidman and hugh jackman would make the world's hottest and most talented children. the Aryan race would kill for kids built like them. and on a personal note, i love that half caste kid. i love his line.."i not black fella, and i not white fella.." my version would be, "i not china fella and i not white fella" but anyway.
LOVED. this movie. i have a feeling, michelle shin, that you will enjoy the kangaroo scene. Humor, romance, evil plot, war, nearly-naked aboriginal man. oh yes. all the necessities for a great movie. it's kind of like moulin rouge minus the cancan dancers and set down under.. less sex, more dirt and nature. and cows.
I think both nicole kidman and hugh jackman did a wonderful job on the whole "turning point in character" you know what i mean? both morphing into the hero/heroine. nicely done.


oh and btw.
i watched most of the da vinci code.... i don't get it.. but i really liked it in an "i am intrigued, but i need to watch it again" type way.. have you seen it?

Thoughts on Movies

I watched Under the Tuscan Sun, He's Just Not That Into You, and New In Town today. Oh and Cold Mountain.
Under the Tuscan Sun.. was the "Things will happen on their own time, just let it fall into place" movie. and honestly i really wanted that lifestyle. Though i kept wondering how she had enough money to spontaneously buy a tuscan villa after going through a divorce. I have no qualms about living in a foreign country but realistically i could never actually settle down and die in a place where no one speaks english. But then again. if i had the chance, i'd probably do it. maybe when i'm old i wont want to talk to anybody anyway.

He's Just Not That Into You.. well. it's weird to think that in 20 years i'll probably be married. hell, in 20 years i could be married twice and divorced. see, this is why i rarely go to sleep happy. i need to stop thinking of good things and then immediately countering them with the worst possible scenarios. anyway. that movie reminded me that i have at least a decade left of dating to do and relationships to learn from. ughhh..how i dread the thought. I want the relationship that jennifer aniston had in that movie. she's the one who ends up married. note to self: love is blind. love is only real if you think, "in 80 years when i can no longer wipe my ass, or if he cannot wipe his own ass, do i love him enough to do it for him?" THEN. and only then, can i marry him. because the tall handsome perfect smile will soon become withered wrinkly and making investments in dencher easy-stick adhesives. oh yes. til death do us part.

New In Town. well that was a nice family movie. that's all i really have to say. not a big fan of canadian accents. sounds like everyone's lips are pruning and there's an oreo stuck vertically in each of their mouths.

Cold Mountain. ahhh my favorite, dark, depressingly romantic, heart-crushing movies. i fall in love with the male leads in these type movies. hello darcy, inman, robbie, and sir charles grey. why am i so in love with them? because they are in agony, absolute desperation for the women they love. and they're not complete wimps or whipped incompetent little men who can't get at the girl out of their league. they are intelligent male figures, strong, accomplished, complete with integrity, and yet they're completely ripped and torn apart because the woman that inspires them to rejoice in their accomplishments is not by their sides. i love it.

when confused, wait.

I'm confused.
I'm too attached. I've been too attached.
I was so used to there not being better.
But I don't know for sure. But just having been so close to it.
I don't want to settle. It'll be hard and possibly impossible.
And idk if i want to try. i want to try, but i've been waiting for this chance.
but maybe i shouldn't take this chance, maybe i should avoid it.
i've been waiting for so long. and just when i was almost there.
something made me doubt what i wanted. and now.
i'm not sure anymore.
i'm too impatient.


i know what i should do.
i just don't want to.

i guess. i should just do. what i know i should do.
or at least try.

i need to go on a walk. and stop moping.

GOODNIGHT

School needs to end.
I'm sad seniors are leaving.
But out with the old, in with the new.
goodbye you 18 yr old pedo's. get outta high school.

asdl;fkjkdfjdj
grr. weird mood.
sore. worked out. feels good sorta.

it frustrates me when people say how angry they are or they complain
and then you're like oh what's wrong? and they're like nothing.
-_- really? come on.
don't ever complain that you're alone. cuz you aren't.
if you are. it's your fault.
harsh. but true.

mmmkkk
i'm exhausted. shoulder hurts.
can't believe how good my made up french oral was.
thank you jesus.


GOODNIGHT.

Construction

I think it's funny how fast we all grow and develop and transition.
Especially through high school and our teenage years.

I personally, can't remember much about my childhood. It's faded all too quickly. And for some, I'll admit, I'm happy to have lost clarity.

I'm a sentimental, "look back and reflect upon it" type person. I used to be the epitome of a carefree, innocent, naive, young girl and I was completely oblivious. And I loved it.

Now, I don't know what I am or what I would be categorized as, but that's only because what I do know is that I can't be categorized and I can't fully know myself. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly coming upon new things, I'm an endless Socratic "the more you know, the less you know" human being. Every layer of myself I come upon needs work, needs tweaking; a lift here, a twist there. I'm continuously under construction.

At first, I wondered why I had become so suddenly critical of everyone else; "why is he so ignorant?" "how can she not see how wrong that is?" All of a sudden, everyone looked so blind to me. I couldn't believe how out of line other people's actions were, not to mention how everyone else had conformed to it as well. But for all that criticism of all the people surrounding me, I hated myself. Even though I hated them, I wanted to be like them because I was alone. Alone with my ridiculous standards I held for everyone around me.

Then I realized that it was because I'd become harder on myself. And in that, I found that I had been blind. People are going to change on their own time. I'm sure that at some point, maybe even right now, someone has looked at me and wondered how I could live in such ignorant bliss. But I just keep having to remember that no matter how long construction takes, something beautiful is always the result.

I know, it's such a cliche to say that everyone is unique. But even cliches are forgotten, so I'll repeat it so you and I both commit it to memory. Everyone is unique, just give them time to develop their intricacies.