Yesterday

I found out that i made chamber choir :] ahh so happy. everything's been really good lately. no drama, school's almost out, saw taylor swift and john mayer, which was incredible. not gonna lie. GREAT show. even for country music. can't wait for the cruise! no luck with boys but that's ok.
everything else makes that ok.

i feel like watching pride and prejudice.
i wanna fall asleep between the petals of a rose.
i feel like standing one my dads feet while he dances.
mm.. or lying in the grass in my underwear. not in a pornographic type way but a "i want to feel the world and everything everywhere and listen to it all" type way.

actually, the mood i'm in now, i might consider naive later. but for now, i like it.

i have halo stuck in my head.

Some days.. i just want to be alone. i want harry potter's invisibility cloak. i wanna close my mouth and leave the world open to my eyes and ears. i want to close my self. but not shut out the world. i want to freeze myself. and watch time pass by. i think in cutting myself off, things might seem clearer. Not in anger, not in spite, not in rejection. but just for clarity.
Maybe it's just so that i can see how things would be without me.
just to know that i have an effect. just to know that i'm not a shadow ignored by the universe.
when you're silent. when you're vulnerable. you are left to absorb.
to feel. to understand. to finally grasp something..

it's a relief..


i don't think that i should talk when speech is, at times, so unnecessary.
change the world, and if necessary, use words.
kinda taken from st. francis of asisi(sp?)

my stomach rumbles, ferocity and anger wrestle within.
rip my skin, bare my teeth, claw my way through.
use any way to release.
whether it be ugly or beautiful.
let it break through.
whether it be putrid or perfumed.
let it break through.
whether it be evil or sacred.
let it break through.

Sun

You meet.
Immediate warmth,
immediate embrace.
Midas' kiss turns you golden,
and brown.
You are judged,
brown or red.
Either way,
your brow shines.
You squint,
flecs of him
are left in your eyes.
At the end of his rule
you peel away his traces.
but he leaves you,
for nights on end.
As flowers do,
your eyes follow his every move.
Silently, and every morn,
he brushes you to wake.
Hopefully he will return,
wishes every breath you take.

I had a really good day today. There was absolutely no bad part to it. Ha these kinds of days are so rare that I keep feeling like something is going to jinx it. But it's 9 pm. and everything's going strong.
I got the classes I wanted, called somewhat early for summer registration.
Finished my homework early
cleaned up the kitchen
had boba
music, beautiful weather
everything's fitting well today.
good food, good people, good times.

Prayers for Pauline, Spencer, and Audrey.
I think they could use a good day like the one i had today..

Lord i'm truely thankful
more days like this, yes?? yes??
yes. i think so.
:D

I just want to BE.

i love moments where everything is just... silent.
but in that silence the universe speaks.

i want serenity and simplicity
and in that, to discover intricacies i would have otherwise never noticed..

i want to learn calligraphy
i want to put stamps on letters to my loved ones
i want to sew dresses
i want to finish a book
i want to sit in a garden that i planted and nurtured
i want to learn how to play the cello
i want to lie in the grass at night, when everything just breathes..

i want to write.. and not feel pressured for time.
i want to sleep and not wake up from an alarm
i want to wake up and not remember things i have to finish

i don't want to worry.. about school or love or being someone or becoming someone
i just want to BE.
i just want to BE.

Just Lately

I've had things to look forward to. Yeah there's been testing and I've been in and out of the doctor's and my love life is still stuck in it's usual slump. But I think my whole long lonely streak of obsessing over my singularity has taught me to not be so afraid of being alone. I think maybe finally I'm growing from last year's break up, after months of trying to find the meaning. It's hard to put into words.. i guess maybe just that i'm finally more receptive to the love of my friends and family and having that be enough to satisfy me. instead of focusing on the "fairytale" type stuff.

There's something about nighttime that's so filled with clarity... which is somewhat ironic because it's when the hours are darkest.

man. often i say things that could be followed up with "now let's take a moment and reflect upon this".

things to look forward to:
confirmation
Taylor Swift avec Pauline
End of School
Cruise to Mexico with the Dadivas's. and kimmie. and vanessa.
Possibly Arkansas.

Future

I think the walnut high school population of asians has corrupted my view of the future. I need to remember and redefine my own definition of success. I shouldn't have to fit into the world's definition of success, I will do what I love and what I have passion for and I will do it greatly. College is not the end of the line, a school's guidelines should not be my guidelines. I want to change the world my way, individuals are here for a reason, I'm not going to slip into a path that someone else already blazed through.

ugh.. I suppose I'm agitated only because I feel like high school is almost completely pointless. Whatever, here's to the memories.